Long Distance Advice from a Non-expert

A friend of mine is trying out Eharmony...and asked me for some longdistance advise. It was really fun remembering these things. Thought I would post it since it took a while to write! :)

Hi Friend! Things are wonderful! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you...I have had so much to do! But it is my pleasure to answer your questions! Jeremy and I loved our journey and wish the same for other people! I’m so glad you are trying eHarmony out and I’m glad you have met someone you really like!
I have to give Jeremy a lot of the credit for making our relationship work and these are a lot of his philosophies (he did eHarmony for a year).

1. Meet quickly! Once you have a connection, meet as soon as possible (this is harder for you because obviously it is better and safer if the guy visits the girl). Jeremy and I were matched on June 3rd...emailed till July 1st...then after our first phone conversation he asked if he could come out and meet me two weeks later. I told him three weeks would be better...and it was a date! Jeremy says that it is better to spend the money quickly so that you do not invest too much in someone that you are not compatible with in person. Also, a girl he went to visit (supposedly a Christian etc) smoked pot with her entire family when he was there AND went out on a date with an ex-boyfriend while he was there too! WOW! My husband is not the stupid or gullible type so I’m glad he came up with this philosophy!

2. It was also really helpful for us to meet one another’s friends and family immediately! Jeremy couldn’t meet my parents (but he met my pastor and a bunch of my best friends). This gives you evidence that they are who they say they are. That one is probably obvious to you though.

3. So that is pre-relationship…once you are really in the relationship make sure you ask all the hard questions! What do you expect out of a spouse…how do you want to raise your kids. It helped that Jeremy and I both LOVE to write (and talk)…so none of our answers were short. It really helps to see into that person’s life.

4. What ends up being REALLY hard about a long distance relationship is the lack of relaxing with one another. Everything is so exciting at first that it is easy to put forth a ton of effort and not feel like it is a big deal. But after you are engaged or at least serious you realize how important being with one another in person is! Hand holding, facial expressions, kissing, just watching a movie together are all so important to a relationship. The flip side to this is that it is much easier to stay pure and focused on the important things. It keeps you away from liking a guy just cause he’s an amazing kisser or because your friends think he’s hot ( :)). BUT, it does make it more difficult! We aren’t in Jr. High anymore so talking on the phone for hours isn’t something that most people are used to. Plus what if he is having an off day, or you are…and it’s hard to tell why they are acting weird…it’s easy to assume that they are being distant or they are bored with you. You can’t have him pick up a bottle of wine and just watch a movie together. My advise for this? Just remember that long distance relationships are hard. Jeremy and I would also play virtual scrabble together…that helped when we wanted to be on the phone but weren’t in the mood to really dig deep.

5. Have multiple forms of communication! This really helped us…especially since we had TOTALLY different schedules (still do, I’m a morning bird and he’s a night owl). We used Facebook, MySpace, email, texting, eHarmony and the phone! I know it may seem silly, but it was so wonderful to get a text from him at night, a song dedication from him on Facebook in the morning, a poem on MySpace in the afternoon…etc. You get the picture. It really helped that Jeremy is so romantic too.

6. Last but not least, our relationship worked out so well because it was always moving. We got engaged very quickly and then shortened our engagement to two months. It was worth it to us to not spend money visiting one another all the time. We knew we were meant for one another. Also, long distance hardships CAN ruin a great relationship. One of Jeremy’s best friends and his wife (at the time his girlfriend) almost broke up over the distance issues. They are SOOO great together! I am so glad they figured that out and she moved to town. I’m not saying that everyone has to move fast, but it is good to know your own limitations…I have another friend who was engaged long distance for over a year (she has more patience and self control than anyone I know).

Above all we knew that God had seriously created us for one another! We moved in, what I feel, was His timing and He blessed us so much! I hope you have a great experience and a wonderful Christmas!!!

Oh and I believe now more than ever that fairytales do come true!!! All those naysayers are stupid! I loved proving them wrong!

Logan and our Midwife Ruth Cobb

http://tulsamidwife.com/information.html

Beauty from Ashes

Sisters. This post is dedicated to my sister Melissa. About ten years ago I became heartbroken over the fact that Melissa and I were not close...through means of my own I tried to stick a bandage on our relationship. It is no surprise to me that the wound quickly ripped open.

So many times in relationships it take a huge confrontation or a long talk to heal our rifts. And sometimes God just fixes it...we can try to remain in our hurt or psycho analyze it to death, or we can accept it and enjoy the renewed friendship! Isn't this what God does with us? He gives us an opportunity for forgiveness and restored relationship with Him. He doesn't ask us to hash out every sin we have ever committed and remain in the dust. He says...rise us my love, my fair one, and come away with Me. Of course we will have to deal with a lot of the choices we have made and sometimes that means digging into our hearts and our pasts to be healed. The same with be true with Melissa and I. At some point in time we may choose to talk about the hurts we have caused one another. Talking before the healing of our relationship did not get us anywhere...but talking after will be a different story. We will both be coming from a place of wanting to love one another more, and that is freeing! I love my sister and have enjoyed getting to know her again. She is kind, giving, considerate, compassionate and adorable. I am really proud of her and I admire so many choices she has made. God is so good to have given us this gift and I hope I do everything I can to protect and cherish it.

What man takes years to ruin, God can heal in a moment. He has brought beauty from my ashes. I love you Melissa and I am very excited to see where our new friendship takes us. Thank you for loving me.

It really is no coincidence that whenever my friends come out with a blog...so do I. Thanks for the inspiration gals! back to the story...

On the other side of things...I hate to tell his story but he is such a perfectionist that it would take him forever to write his side...and besides, this is my take on it all! So, I join EHarmony...flippantly and Jeremy has been on it a year! Yeah, a year! I see this as the Prince in Sleeping Beauty fighting his way through the deadly briers to get to his princess...corny I know.

Jeremy was visiting his parents...he told them that he was just going to take time off from looking for a wife. His dad replied, "Well, you know what happens when you do that...you'll meet the girl you are looking for." Similarly, in my quest, I said whole heartedly to the Lord...I will gladly wait another ten years for the man You want me to marry. If you know me, that was a big deal, a very big deal. Usually I was threatening the Lord (not recommended). Jeremy logged in to shut down his matches (graciously as usual...he's not as edgy as I am) and saw my icebreaker. He read my profile, shut down ALL of his other matches, turned the matching function off and decided to pursue me...(at least that is as dramatically as he told me;). And he did...with polite affections he got to know me. It was not ravenous like usual dating. No backseats, no dates that last too long, no stupid mistakes after 2 a.m. (How I Met Your Mother fan joke). It was appropriate, kind, and exciting...he led me perfectly to falling in love with him and I let him pursue me with only the slightest hint that I may be feeling affection for him. It may have been the first relationship that I handled properly and boy was I determined to make it stay that way! I let him lead...I only emailed back (never first) waited as long as he did between emails, never suggested talking on the phone or meeting...I acted perfectly content with emailing forever...even though I was so excited and loving every word that he penned. Our questions ranged from what kind of things make you tick, to how do you want to raise your children...we both loved to write and we both love to think! So answers like how do you want to raise your kids took pages upon pages to answer...I think I decided I wanted to marry him after I read that specific email...he was so determined, knew what he wanted out of life, what kind of girl he wanted to share it with, how he wanted to accomplish it...and it became apparent quickly that we wanted the same things....and it became obvious in just a couple of weeks who we wanted that life with...one another. But neither of us suggested that this might be the case...he kept us level headed and practical. In my book there can't be a better way than this to fall in love, to have the same ideals, enjoy the same things...it leads to enjoying life together...what more should marriage be about? We both loved Jesus (which is inexplicably essential) and we enjoyed every thing about the other person. We were challenged and entertained by each others thoughts...and we were always left with wanting more. This was BEFORE even our first conversation on the phone.
Having become so comfortable emailing, it was scary to transition to the phone. Jeremy asked me when we might be able to talk...I suggested a few days later (having just read All The Rules...a must read for every single woman!) and it was a date!

Jeremy and I met on E Harmony! It was great fun! It all started back in May of 08 (ok, that's not that far back). I had just returned from a vacation in California (visiting my family and friends) and having had some recent turbulents in the relationship department, I decided (with my mother's prompting) that I absolutely knew no men that I would even consider marrying. To prove this to myself (that I would no longer wait for any guys that I knew to evolve into my prince) I joined Eharmony. I really had no expectations going into it except to have fun and maybe possibly a small chance of actually meeting someone worth being with. It WAS really fun, being a self reflector I found it incredibly enlightening to fill out the three hours of intense questions they ask you to begin matching you. It really helped me to narrow down what kind of man I wanted to marry...are you ok with (fill in the blank)...how ok are you with (previous blank)...etc. Some things I thought I was fine with only to find out that when matched with a guy with that trait, I couldn't do it. My previous inclinations became concrete resolves. At first it's hard to turn matches down, but within a couple of weeks you just aren't willing to fart around with someone you would not want to be with...would that the real dating world was like this people would choose better mates! It's much easier over the computer...you shut someone down...select a reason that is more or less neutral and move on to your other matches...and they do the same. Now if he is a guy that frequents the coffee shop where you work, that's a different matter! You can't just say...I don't think we have chemistry (at least I couldn't say that). Anyway, I was having fun getting to know myself...then I read Jeremy's profile. I was floored..I laughed I cried, I was touched, intrigued, and enlightened. I really fell noggin over bum for him that instant. Not only was I eager to get to know him...when his description of his ideal girl was Cake's song, Short Skirt Long Jacket, I knew he would GET me! He was not the typical Christian on E Harmony (Favorite person: Jesus; Favorite book: the Bible; Favorite TV show: 7th Heaven...Yuck)! I'm not like that...I love Jesus very much but I also love beer and good food and great music, designer jeans, vanilla cigarettes...7th Heaven guys would not understand me. And so I sent him an "icebreaker" that said "Your profile brought a smile to my face." Now I never sent out icebreakers, but I just felt like if he came into my coffee shop I would not hesitate to strike up a conversation with him...bat my girly eyelashes and smile coquettishly at him while I made him his Americano. Plus I knew he was probably receiving as many matches as I was and I was not going to be thrown out with the masses. To my joy, he replied back. We went through the round of communication that is structured by EHarmony and then he suggested we go to real email if I so desired. I did. Oh I did. Thus started the beginning of our 80 pages of dating...
to be continued...

Lessons from a Stinky Pug

I have been feeling quite out of sorts for the last couple of weeks….except for here and there I would generalize my mood as one of frustration. I kept telling myself that if I could just get my house clean, if I could just get Logan to nap longer, if I could just be a better housewife….then I would not feel frustrated. I used last week as a problem solving week, what can I do use my time more efficiently? Where is it all going?! THIS week has been a much better week…I problem solved, made appropriate changes, spent some much needed time with the Lord and took a couple of extra naps. After feeling so frustrated with myself I began to wonder if I NEED someone to be frustrated with. When was the last time that I felt frustrate free? Ha. Can’t remember. But how much of that is normal life? The ebb and flow of relationships (thank God they are not all hard at the same time!) And don’t solutions and better relationships stem out of a desire for things to be better, to be different? Ok, I see my point. But, how much of that is unhealthy? Like the woman who feeds off of crisis…when there isn’t any, she creates it (it’s her comfort blanket, what she is used to). Would I be at a loss if I didn’t have someone in my life to hate? It’s funny, I joke around with Jeremy that if I didn’t have Penelope (his pug) to be mad at, I would probably be mad at him more often. When I sweep the floor, all I can see is all of her hair, I can’t see all of the dirt he tracks in the house. So, Pea Pie is his scapegoat if you will. Maybe frustration isn’t a moral issue, like most other feelings. Maybe it is what you do with it, where you direct the energy that you get from it. When Penelope stinks, I can either lock her outside (so I don’t have to smell her) or I can give her a bath (so I don’t have to smell her). Both come out of feeling frustrated but one is a much kinder response. (I must admit here that I have never once bathed her and frequently lock her outside). I guess that answers my question, frustration if handled with a gentle, kind and yet determined spirit can bring about good things. The flip side of that is that I can stop feeling guilty about not being a Stepford Wife. I am allowed to be frustrated, I just need to watch what I do with it. (Sorry honey). It all seems so simple now that it’s in the past. Thanks Pea Pie...for being such a stinky, hairy dog.

The Parenting Puzzle

Parenting is like trying to solve a new puzzle every day. Up until today, Logan has been on such a perfect schedule, with perfect naps, perfect feedings, and even perfect fussy times. As soon as I think I have him figured out he pulls one over on me. :0 He woke up an hour early today, won't take a nap longer than 45 minutes (they are usually almost two hours) and is fussy. I pulled out my baby bible (Baby Wise) and started searching through the pages...Ah ha! He is going through a growth spurt and my body is trying to keep up. I fed him some milk that I had stored up and he was back to himself! Maybe I'll actually get something done! Well, solved today...until tomorrow. If I've learned anything, it's that parenting keeps you humble, flexible and bouncing between joy and frustation.

We got married on September 27, 2008. In Grandlake, Arkansas. I turned 27 that day!

I'm going to try and start from the semi begining...here are our engagement photos. Jeremy proposed to me six days after we met in person! This was during my first trip to Oklahoma...and Arkansas...it was beautiful and we had a great time with his family!

Everyone Says

Logan is ten weeks old. In ten days, I will have been married for one year and be turning 28. Last year this week I was saying goodbye to my old life...everything and everyone. I was frantically packing my house, still working full time at Starbucks, trying to leave my store in perfect working condition, saying goodbye to my friends, and planning a wedding? Wow, how in the world did I survive? Well, my prince had come. That's how. He was worth leaving everything behind...because I knew that what he had waiting for me...what He had waiting for me...was the life I had always waited FOR. And here I am...I got married to the man of my dreams...the man created for me and I for him. I gave birth to our beautiful son and we are in absolute bliss. There isn't a day that passes by that I am not amazed by God's perfect timing, His great wisdom and His wonderful gifts!

Everyone says that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Well, then I cannot even begin to imagine how wonderful our life will be in ten, fifteen, thirty years. We rarely fight, we kiss frequently, we have grace for the other person, we give each other space, we spend time together doing the things we love, we trust eachother implicitly, I love you's flitter out of our mouths so often it even is whispered in our sleep. So, I hope (in this case) that what everyone says in right. So, back to MY PRINCE came...I was always told that he didn't exist. That I had a fairytale complex...that I imagined being married and having a baby as a bliss that didn't happen except in movies. On the other end of the spectrum a visiting pastor told me that the life God had for me "would fit like a glove." That the husband and children He had for me would be so beautiful and wonderful. Well, I'm glad to say that I did have a fairytale complex and my life does fit like a glove. He gives and takes away...so I say this humbly and give Him all the glory...My life is more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Jeremy has enhanced my happiness...he shows me the love of God night and day. Thank you Lord! A million times over...thank you for my soulmate!

I'm back! Not that anyone read my first entry because I didn't send it out! Haha...who knows if I will even post this one! Well, I only have a couple of minutes and then on with my day! Logan is asleep for his morning nap. Last night he slept nine and a half hours! Wow, I feel like a new person...who knew sleep was that necessary to sanity! I'm about to go wake up my wonderful husband (he is a night owl...so I try to let him sleep in a little when we get the chance). So, where should I start? So much to think and write about...for my own benefit of course! Journaling seems to have gone by the wayside for me, every time I sit down to write, I fall asleep or think of a million other things that need to get done. I think I'll make a quick list of things to cover...

Our Marriage
Oklahoma...living in the Bible belt 101
Our labor and delivery
Parenting...I'm not scared...I swear!
Jeremy's friends
My friends

Ok....that seems like a good list! to be continued

Hello Blogging!

This is my first entry! How exciting...except that I will probably end up deleting everything I write and rewriting it! Grrrr... the life of a semi-perfectionist! I am starting this blog for our family and friends...I want to do a newsletter, but we all know that the Internet is better for communication these days. Plus, if Jeremy wants to have a column, here it is! Speaking of Jeremy, he is out of town right now. Which makes me sad and bored enough to start a blog! :) (Baby kick!) Logan, our son whom is growing in my tummy right now, is getting big and his kicks sometimes startle me into mommy-euphoria. Hmmm...I'm sure he will be one of the main topics of my blog. Well, I'm curious to see how all of this looks, hopefully I can find a prettier page.